she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize