I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
