We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
