All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
