I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
