so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize