The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
