just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
