I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
