i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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