I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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