life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
