I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize