Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
