when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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