Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
