Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
did i just pee glitter
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
