I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
