What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
