it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
