from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
