i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
