Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
