Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize