New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
