I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
