Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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