I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
