fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
