1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
