god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
