My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
