I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
