So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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