Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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