It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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