Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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