I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
