Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The beer is more important than you right now.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
