He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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