my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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