Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
