Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
