there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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