he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my poor anus
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
