I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
