The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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