She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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