the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
