All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He better not be in your backpack
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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