o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
