see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
