omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
