There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
