Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You made out with two different species that night
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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