I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
