how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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