So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
