I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I have post one night stand depression
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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