I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
